Bahá’í Sects

Unity in Diversity

A central principle of the Bahá’í Faith is Unity in Diversity. In practice, however, this progressive goal has been usurped in the Bahá’í community by its evil twin Unity in Conformity. We at the FBI stand for diversity, which means we encourage Bahá’ís to believe all sorts of crazy stuff, all under the same banner of One perplexed God.

Bahá’í Sects Recognized by the FBI

Quakers — The unresolved issues of the Bahá’í Faith will be resolved by a horrible disaster which will kill a large portion of the human race by causing their limbs to quake. Then and only then will everyone want to be a Bahá’í.

Abstentionists — World Peace can only be achieved through complete and universal abstention from political activity.

Nineth-man Adventists — The Kingdom of God on Earth will be established by the placement of local spiritual assemblies (LSAs) throughout the planet. That is, once the Administrative Order reaches critical mass, the New World Order will unfold.

Street Sweepers — The Kingdom of Heaven on Earth will not be established until a critical mass of signs reading “roadisde cleanup provided by the Bahá’ís of …” is achieved.

Shundamentalists — Covenant breaking is a contagious spiritual disease, so whatever you do, don’t get caught talking religion to a covenant-breaker at Starbucks! In fact, it would be prudent to cease discussing religion entirely.

Mystics — Face it, religion is all about personal immortality, so you can have your Administrative Order. I’m sticking with the basics, and beefing up my soul by reciting all the mystical passages from scripture that I can find.

Holy Enrollers — How many did you bag? You can read all the scripture you want, and you can pray all you like, but if you don’t bring in some enrollments your soul will shrivel up like a prune.

Disestablishmentarians — The world is in a bad state, and the cause of all trouble is the Establishment. The point of the Bahá’í Faith is to replace the Establishment with a New World Order. To what will you direct the blame then? Don’t look at me!

Millenarians — World peace will be established during the 20th Century, or–hmmm … maybe a little later?

Centenarians — World peace will be established by the 100th anniversary of the declaration of Bahá’u'lláh. Oh, has that passed too?

Saucer Seekers — The unresolved issues of the Bahá’í Faith will be resolved by visitors from space, as hinted at by leaks from the Air Force and FBI (the other FBI).

Alchemists — The Kingdom of God on Earth will not be established until alchemy is again respected as empirical science and the theory of Evolution is debunked for the materialistic fraud it clearly is.

Psycho-masochists — World Peace will not be achieved until Muslims, Christians, Communists, and Feminists stop fighting amongst themselves and arise as one to persecute the Bahá’ís.

InsidersYou know who you are.

Bahá’ís-in-Spirit — Christians, Muslims, Atheists, Satanists, Industrialists, etc. who are really Bahá’ís, did they but know it!

Apostates — Bahá’ís who have burned their BIGS cards and had themselves removed from the American Bahá’í mailing list, but sometimes still waken from nightmares about finding oneself serving on an LSA without one’s trousers.

Guardianists — Bahá’ís who believe the line of Guardians was not broken by Shoghi Effendi, and probably spend much of their time feeling marginalized (just like the rest of us).

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